Neon Genesis Evangelion: A Murder Story
by TheUnholyTerror
Summary: It's the STUNNING Conclusion to NGE: A murder story! Who dun it? Misato, Asuka, Shinji, Rei, Maya, Gendo, and Ritsuko are the suspects! Use Ecstacy sparingly to increase the effects and humorous nature of the story. And remember, Always use a condom!
1. A murdered Transvestite

'ello! Now, this story is a murder mystery with a little humor. The great part about this story, is that you get to have a part in the outcome of the story! After you're done reading with a single chapter, you have the power to write a review, expressing who you think dun it. Well, I take your opinions into view, and shape the future chapters from that. Oh yeah, please be honest with my stories. Tell me what you think, or I swear- I will develop Carrie powers and hunt you down like the fictional story reading people you are! Just kidding.

Neon Genesis is owned by Gainax. This is a **fictional** story with fictional characters in a **fictional** situation, so, it's basically **fictional**, right?

**********

"Oh, hello. Did you come for my book club meeting?" Shigeru asked. He smiled and pushed his long hair back behind his ears and batted his eyes seductively. "Or… are you here for me?" Shigeru gave a little girlish giggle, "Is that a gun in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?"

"What- What are you doing! No! Ah, stop!" Shigeru screamed.

***********

"Why dost thou torment me so, my Ritsuko?" Maya whispered to her golden locket, with a picture of the back of Ritsuko's head. "If it weren't considered sexual harassment, I would compose an epic love ballad to- OH MY GOOD GRACIOUS!"

***********

"Where did you find the body?" Misato asked.

"Next to the trash. I think someone tried to dump the body, but got tired of carrying this lug gut around and just dumped him here." Maya replied.

"Maya! That's no way to talk about Shigeru, he just died!"

"Oh please, it's not like anyone really cared about him."

"So, do we have any murder suspects?"

"Just everyone that was here within the last hour."

***********

"What are we being called down here for? I thought that whole business with you trying on Misato's bras was sorted out." Asuka muttered.

"Hey! That was not proved!" Shinji yelled. Shinji jumped when Asuka snapped his bra strap.

"I'm glad that everyone could make it! But, we do have some unfortunate news, we just found Lt. Shigeru dead a few minutes ago." Misato said unhappily.

"Wait- he was the transvestite, right?" Asuka whispered.

"He was a transvestite? I didn't see that coming." Shinji replied.

"…" Rei added.

"Oh, shut up, Wonderbitch." Asuka snapped.

"…"

"What was that?"

"…"

"Repeat that to my face!"

"…"

"The nerve- You insolent-"

"Asuka! Stop yelling! And Rei, such language!" Misato clucked in disapproval at Rei's rudeness.

"Why are we down here, love bunny?" Makoto asked.

"How many times have I told you not to call me that?" Misato flicked him across the head, "I told you, if you're going to call me a pet name, then call me 'Shinji'!"

"But, Misato, that's just weird and gross…"

"Got a problem with a kinky gal?" Misato glared.

"Let's get back to the issue of why you've called us here." Gendo angrily said. He adjusted his nightie cap and clutched his ragged teddy bear tight to his chest. He started mimicking a baby crying and then started rocking the bear, "Oh, don't worry Sugarbuttons! I won't let the whoreish woman hurt you!"

Misato glared at him and then focused on the question, "You are all here because you are the only ones in the entire NERV complex."

"How does that work out?" Shinji asked, "I thought NERV was gigantic."

"Tonight was the annual NERV corporation subordinate banquet. All the random extras are there, dancing the night away, but secretly, once the banquet is over, we're going to release the dogs."

"So, are we the suspects?" Asuka asked, "That's pretty stupid, why would we want to kill… what was his name?"

"Shigeru."

"Shigeru, yeah, whatever."

"Well, I don't want to suspect you all, but it is important that we do find out who did kill him before tomorrow!"

"Why tomorrow?"

"Because tomorrow I get my hair highlighted, duh!" Misato laughed, and flipped her hair. Asuka noticed, it was fairly dull, and definitely needs some highlights. Maybe it would look better with curls.

"So, let's split everyone up into groups to find the murderer! I'll go with Makoto and Maya. Shinji, you go with Red and Blue-"

"…"

"Rei, I don't want sass, I just want cooperation. Now, shut up. Gendo and Fuyutsuki will be together as well."

"What do you mean by 'together'?" Gendo asked inquisitively as Fuyutsuki edged closer to Gendo, who edged away.

"Stay together! Don't let each other out of your sights!" Misato yelled to them. She walked away with Makoto and Maya.

***********

"Shinji, I've been waiting for this!" Asuka leapt onto Shinji, wrestling him to the ground. She pinned his hands above his head, Shinji whimpering.

"Asuka, stop!" Shinji screamed.

Asuka slapped Shinji and yelled, "Quiet, slave! I know you want it rough!"

"Rei! Save me!" Shinji pleaded.

"Step closer, and I'll take that stupid pink bow from your head and cram it down your throat!" Asuka screamed. Rei stepped back, gently touching the pink bow on her head, next to her Hello Kitty headband.

"Asuka, please don't! I'm not ready for that sort of thing yet!" Shinji yelled. Asuka sighed and got off him.

"It's not fun when you plead for your pathetic virginity." Asuka moaned and helped him up. "So, what are we looking for?"

"Some sort of killer."

"What do you think of my nail polish, Shinji?" Asuka showed him her hand and her purple vamp nail polish.

"It's- um, nice." Shinji lied. Asuka snarled and slashed him across the arm.

"…" Rei said. Shinji and Asuka turned and looked at Rei. Rei pointed to a puddle of water on the floor.

"It's water. Or is it a certain excretion, and you have a certain venereal disease we don't know about, Rei?"

***********

"Hmm, water. Interesting. Why would there be water in the middle of the control room?" Gendo muttered. "Vice Commander Fuyutsuki! I am not that kind of commander!"

Gendo turned around and slapped Fuyutsuki's hand from rubbing his back.

"Sorry, Ikari, it's just that you seem fairly tense!"

"I 'seem' fairly tense, because one of my Lieutenants was just killed!" Gendo stood up and yelled, "I'm a possible suspect! Misato took my Teddy away because I wasn't paying attention! And you keep on hitting on me, like I'm some piece of Japanese commander meat!"

"I'm not hitting on you!" Commander Fuyutsuki gasped. He quickly changed the subject, "What do you think about the water?"

"Some one was either wet, or had water with them when they killed Shigeru."

**********

"What are we going to find in the NERV swimming pool?" Maya asked.

Misato pulled out a magnifying glass and started examining the water filter. Misato pulled out a small Hello Kitty barrette and held it up to the light.

"A 'Hello Kitty' barrette? Hmm… intriguing." Misato muttered.

"What does it mean?" Makoto asked.

"Don't have a clue. But bag it for evidence."

"Hey, whatcha got there, sweet stuff?" came a voice and a slap on Misato's butt.

"Oh my!" Misato turned around in shock and saw a disgusting looking hobo munching on an apple. "Who the hell are you?"

"Hobo." He replied.

"Hobo? That's not a name."

"Sure it is." The hobo replied.

"Alright, I believe you, but how did you get into the NERV complex like this?!"

"I got in through that secret passage over there." The hobo swallowed a bit of the apple and pointed over to a small impression in the wall. "It leads to some hallway, and then to this really big room."

"Big room? Could it be the control room?" Maya whispered to Misato.

"Could be, only way to find out would be to use the passage." Misato replied. The hobo tried to slap her butt, but Misato intercepted and snapped the hobo's arm in half.

The three turned around and walked over to the secret passage. Makoto pressed the impression and the wall slid away, revealing the passage. Makoto moved aside and Maya skipped happily in. Misato turned to Makoto before entering, and went up to his ear. She glanced over at the hobo and whispered, "Um… Shoot it." And she turned to follow Maya.

Makoto pulled out his gun and started firing at the hobo. The hobo dropped like a sack of hobo shit.

Makoto held up the gun and blew off the wisp of smoke, "Oh yeah, every chick likes a nice set of buns that knows how to use some guns."

Makoto turned around. The wall was solid. Makoto scratched his head in wonder. "How'd that get closed?"

Makoto holstered the gun and walked over. He ran his hand over the wall. He felt no impression. "Where's the secret door?"

*********

Misato and Maya stopped walking when they heard a scream.

"Makoto?" Maya gasped.

Misato pulled out her gun and grabbed Maya by the hand. She pulled Maya with her and the two ran through the twists of tunnels and halls.

"The door's shut!"

"Well, duh, dumbnose." Misato grumbled. Misato kicked the door open. Misato ran in and yelled, "Hey, Makoto, what happened? You in here?"

Misato saw a few droplets of blood on the ground.

She bent down and got some blood on her finger. She brought it to her lips and tasted it. She smacked her lips and started to focus. "Hmm… tastes like Makoto."

Misato followed the blood and stopped at the table, where the blood stopped. Misato bent down and looked under the table. Makoto's body was sprawled along the ground.

*********

"Hey, Shinj!" Asuka smiled and walked with Rei into Shinji's room.

"Ah! Asuka, turn around! I'm not decent!" Shinji screamed, ripped Misato's bra off and tossed it under his bed. Shinji glared at her and hissed, "Where did you both go?!"

"Oh, I went to the bathroom. Wondergirl here just tagged along." Asuka said.

Asuka was fully changed into a black turtleneck with a black skirt. She flipped her red hair and smiled. 

"Why are you wearing all black?"

"Why are you not? Black is the new pink you know." Asuka flipped her hair.

"Since when you were into fashion?" Shinji asked. He furrowed his brow, intrigued by Asuka's decision to change into normal clothing.

"Since I realized that I was attractive."

"Okay, can I have your fashion advice then?" Shinji asked and pulled out two shirts from his drawer. "Which one looks better on me."

Asuka blinked for a second in confusion, "Excuse me? Are you kidding? They're the same shirt."

Shinji looked at them for a second and replied, "No, they aren't."

"Yes, they are."

"No, they aren't!"

"Yes they are! They're both white with the same dorky pocket and they're both the same size!"

"No they aren't. There are significant differences." Shinji couldn't see that they were the same shirt.

"Are you stupid? Do you only have one shirt, and multiple copies of it?!" Asuka pushed him away and opened up his dresser. Revealing a full drawer with neat stacks of the same shirt. "You do! What, do Japanese animators have no initiative to give their characters actual wardrobes?!"

"I'm sorry we Japanese aren't like you Germans, we're just a simple people you know." Shinji said.

"Yeah, and a stupid one at that, with your Japanese cars and evil Japanese beer."

"Got a problem with Japanese things?"

"Yeah, German stuff is way better. We don't believe in that wussy 'Yebisu' and 'Toyota' stuff."

"And we don't believe in highways where speed limits don't exist."

"Hey, gotta a problem with the autobahn? Cause I killed a man on that once! And I'll do it again!" Asuka yelled and poked Shinji with a wild glare in her eyes. "There's nothing like going 75 miles per hour with a body under the wheels."

"…"

"What?" Asuka turned around and gasped.

"…"

"Makoto, really?" Asuka said.

"What about Makoto?" Shinji asked.

"Makoto's dead!" Asuka whispered.

"Makoto too?"

"ATTENTION EVERYONE! REPORT TO THE MAIN CONTROL ROOM IMMEDIATELY!" Misato's voice boomed over the speakers in the NERV installation.

********* 

"Misato! We heard! How did it happen?!" Asuka ran in skirt billowing out behind her.

"How did you find out? Maya and I are the only ones who know!" Misato said.

"Well, Rei told us." Asuka said, a confused look on her face.

"Rei." Misato whispered to herself. She looked over and saw Shinji walk in with Rei. Misato's eyes narrowed. Her eyes glanced over Shinji's face, then to Rei's. Rei's shifty red eyes looked around nervously. Misato looked up at Rei's light blue hair, at the Hello Kitty headband and pink ribbon, and the one Hello Kitty Barrette pinning her hair to the side.

"No…" Misato whispered.

Duh, dah, DUH (dramatic music) To be Continued…


	2. The Investigation begins!

Thanks for your comments! I really appreciated them! Danke schon!

NGE is property of Gainax. Oh yes, at the end of the story, there will now be a series of questions for you to ponder and answer!

**********

"Give me your murderess ass, bitch!" Misato shouted, leapt with cat like agility and tackled Rei to the ground.

"Misato!" Asuka yelled, "KILL HER!"

"Asuka!" Shinji pinched Asuka, who slapped him back. "Misato, what are you doing!"

"You filthy bitch! I knew it! You killed them both!" Misato slammed Rei's face into the floor.

"You're hurting her, stop this Misato!" Shinji screamed, and like a baby immediately started to cry.

"I think that's the point, Shinj." Asuka whispered to him.

Misato pulled out a pair of handcuffs and fit them around Rei's pale white wrists.

"Wait, Rei, please, defend yourself!" Shinji pleaded. Asuka pinched him, Shinji's yelp breaking glass.

"…"

"What was that?" Misato asked, and slammed Rei into the floor again. She flipped Rei over so Rei could see Misato leaning over her. Misato shook her violently and dropped her like a rag doll on the ground. "Speak up so everyone can hear you!"

Rei got to her feet and cleared her throat. Her meek voice said loudly, "…"

"You say that you didn't kill Shigeru and Makoto?" Misato incredulously said.

"…"

"Then why was **this** in the pool filter?" Misato stuck the baggie filled with chips in Rei's face. A quizzical look came across her, and Asuka snatched the chips from Misato's hand.

"Yum! Low-fat." Asuka started munching.

"Wait, that's not the-" Misato rummaged through all the pockets in her jacket. "Ah! Here!" Misato pulled out a jar with ants in it. "Uggh, that's not it either." Misato tossed the jar aside and it shattered on the ground, the ants scattering.

"What's she looking for?" Shinji asked.

"Don't ask me." Asuka replied angrily. Misato swore horrible things and took off her jacket and started beating it against a chair. The gun started going off with each beat. Asuka and Shinji took cover under a desk as Misato ignored the shots and continued to beat the jacket. Misato groaned and tossed the jacket to the side. She got on all fours and started rummaging through all the baggies that had fallen from the jacket.

Shinji's eyes wandered up her legs. Up her smooth calves, and perfect thighs, up the end of her dress and toward the crease where the shape of her butt wa-

"Dummkopf!" Asuka slapped Shinji. "Stop staring at Misato's butt! If you want to objectify a woman, objectify me!"

Shinji held his cheek for a second and then a spark his head and he shouted in surprise, "What?!"

"That got your attention, didn't it Shinj?" Asuka crawled over to him and put her hand on his shoulder. Shinji edged away slightly which only made Asuka more aggressive. She growled and bared her teeth. Shinji noticed that she sharpened her canines.

"I'm the top, Shinji, so shut up and let me work." Asuka pounced on Shinji, who crawled out just in time. Asuka's head smashed into the side of the desk. She moaned and rubbed her head in pain. She crawled back out, flipped her hair, and straightened her turtleneck. "I'm okay. Ego's a little bruised, as is the head."

"Maybe if you didn't throw yourself onto me all the time." Shinji said proudly, as if he was a chick magnet.

"Don't flatter yourself, you idiot. It's called convenience, because the fact is that you're the only guy that's my age left in the entire city." Asuka then admitted, "I would try something on Fuyutsuki, but alas, I fear his raw sexual magnetism."

"Aha!" Misato stood up proudly and tossed a dictionary of slang to the side and held the final baggie up proudly, with the little Hello Kitty barrette gleaming in the artificial light. "Why was this in the pool filter then?!"

"…"

"Well, that makes sense." Shinji said matter-of-factly.

"You were having a late night swim?" Misato asked, her entire accusation challenged.

"…"

"Where did you go after that?" Misato interrogated.

"…"

"You came here? Why?"

"…"

"You were stealing food from the NERV kitchenette refrigerator?"

"So that's where my sponge cake went! Bitch!" Asuka screamed and tackled Rei down. Misato picked Asuka off and tossed her to the side.

"Why did you come into the control room?"

"…"

"You were looking for Maya?" Misato whispered in confusion.

Just at that moment, Maya walked in with Ritsuko, Gendo and Fuyutsuki in tow. Maya smiled and rubbed her golden heart shaped locket for a second as Ritsuko walked past, oblivious.

"Ritsuko! Where have you been?" Misato asked.

Ritsuko giggled and abruptly stopped herself. She covered her mouth and winked a lot, at no general person. Misato watched in bewilderment as Ritsuko bent down to tie her shoe, but realized she was wearing boots and broke down into a fit of giggles.

"Ritsuko, are you alright?" Misato helped Ritsuko stand up. Misato stared into Ritsuko's eyes and saw that they were bloodshot. "Ritsuko! Have you been staying up late again?"

"I found her in the security monitor room. She was drinking and smoking." Maya said.

 "Smoking?! Smoking what?!" Misato screamed.

"Just a little bit of this- a little bit of that…" Ritsuko swaggered and collapsed into Asuka's arms, who dropped her on the spot.

"Asuka!" Maya screamed and went to Ritsuko's side.

"Sorry, she was just so grimy." Asuka wiped her hands on Shinji's shirt.

"Gendo, Fuyutsuki, did you find anything?" Misato turned to them.

Gendo was buttoning up his shirt and Fuyutsuki pushing some of stray hairs back into place. Gendo's glasses were hanging from his ear and he straightened them as well. Fuyutsuki bent down to tie his shoe and then stood up as well, pulling on his collar a bit so he could clear his throat.

"What happened to you two?" Misato asked.

"Well- We, um…" Gendo stammered.

"We fell down a flight of stairs!" Fuyutsuki said abruptly.

"Wait- I don't have to answer to you! I'm the commander!" Gendo yelled.

"Oh, fine. Now, let's all go to the pool through the secret passage!" Misato said and led the way. Maya helped Ritsuko up and carried her, following Misato. Fuyutsuki, Shinji and Rei followed behind, but Asuka stayed behind.

"Your fly's open." Asuka smiled and jogged to catch up with Shinji. Gendo looked down in shock and quickly unexposed himself.

***********

The body of Hobo floated in the water. Misato led the way into the dimly lit pool auditorium. She followed the blood and showed everyone the pool table and where Makoto's body lay. 

Misato kicked Makoto's body over and snapped her fingers. Shinji sighed and walked reluctantly over. Shinji bent over, wrapped his hands around Makoto's ankles and feebly dragged him slowly out from underneath the table. Makoto's head bumped over the tiles.

"Christ, let a real man do it!" Asuka pushed up her sleeves and pushed Shinji into the pool. She picked up Makoto's legs, slung them over her shoulder and dragged him out into a clear area. She dropped him with a 'thunk' on the ground.

"Do you really think that was necessary?" Shinji complained, pulling himself out from the pool. Asuka ignored him and covered her mouth in disgust at looking at Makoto's mangled body.

The gang crowded around the body.

"He was stabbed."

"And slashed."

"And gouged."

"And gutted."

"Where did I put that goddamn moist toilette-" Shinji muttered, fumbling through his pockets. The others around him glared at him. Shinji shut his mouth and put his hands in his pocket. Misato stepped forward to examine the body.

"But who would take all the time to kill him so brutally?" Misato wondered aloud.

"Probably someone who hated him…" Asuka muttered.

"Interesting. Shigeru was shot though." Shinji whispered to himself, "Why wasn't Makoto?"

"What do we do next?" Maya asked.

"Wait, didn't you say that you found Ritsuko in the security monitoring room?" Misato asked Maya.

"Yes, she was in there alone." Maya replied.

"Interesting, do you think the security cameras picked up anything that might help us with the killer?" Misato asked.

"Well, sure… I guess." Maya replied.

"Well, it's better than what we've got now!" Misato said. "Now, Gendo, Fuyutsuki, Maya and Ritsuko stay here. Okay? Children, come with me!"

**********

"Why are we going **this** way? It's so slow, and we have to pass that ugly statue of Shinji." Asuka whined.

"It's not that ugly." Shinji said.

They passed the bronzed statue of Shinji, which stood tall to the ceiling, towering above the little mortals walking underneath it. Shinji in the statue was sitting underneath a fig tree, with a thoughtful look upon his face. Asuka scoffed and spit on it. Rei stared at it and said, "…"

"Well, of course Wonderbitch. You don't complain 'cause you already have a statue!" Asuka pointed over to the statue of Rei whose pose was that of Superwoman.

"…"

"Of course it's not flattering. They gave you a skirt! Those sick janitors always look up it whenever they dust." Asuka muttered. And then unhappily, "Why didn't they give me a statue?"

"Maybe because you're German." Shinji suggested. Asuka's hand broke the sound barrier smashing against Shinji's face. Shinji flew from the ground, soared through the air, and broke through the leg of his statue. The statue shook and toppled over. Shinji got up from the rubble and dusted himself off. He cricked his back, and walked over, "That was just unnecessary."

"I'll show you unnecessary if you dare insult Germans again!" Asuka needed to vent her anger and grabbed the pink bow from Rei's head and ripped it up.

"…" Rei said unhappily.

"Why don't you go blow yourself up again!" Asuka snapped.

"…"

"I was not crazy! It's called depression!"

"…"

"Well, you were made in a lab! Test tube girl!" Asuka stuck her tongue out Rei.

"…"

"Would you stop fighting and follow me?" Misato yelled. She waved them over. The door had a few scuffmarks on it, which seems as though someone tried to get in, but couldn't. She slid her card through the acceptor, and the door opened. Smoke floated lazily out and Misato covered her nose and walked in.

"Misato, this smells like… Marijuana!" Shinji gasped.

"Interesting. I wasn't aware anyone else but me had a stash." Misato muttered.

"What was that?"

"I was just commenting on how it also smells similar to a leather sofa."

"What do you want us to do?" Asuka asked.

"Asuka, check the computer files for any sort of video footage. Rei, stand guard. Shinji just… don't kill yourself." Misato got onto a computer console and typed frantically.

"What are you doing?" Shinji asked.

"I'm pulling up a list of everyone that entered this room. The computer automatically records who enters the room with the ID cards." Misato said.

"It was only Ritsuko." Shinji said.

"Right. But why was she in here?" Misato whispered.

"Misato! Ikari! I found something!" Asuka yelled. Misato immediately got up and walked over to Asuka.

Shinji lingered, and looked over the screen. Maya's name wasn't on the recorded list. She had never entered the room. _That's peculiar._ Shinji thought to himself.

"Misato! There's something here!" Shinji yelled.

"Not now, Shinji!" Misato yelled and then to Asuka, "Play it back."

Asuka pressed a few keys and the video rewound. She pressed another key and the video started to play.

Hobo dropped to the ground. Makoto blew the smoke away from the gun. Makoto turned to the wall and searched for the impression. Then he walked away from the wall. He moved erratically and suddenly, a figure in black jumped out from the shadows and attacked him. He reached for the gun, but the figure knocked his hand away. With impressive strength, the figure overpowered Makoto, and slashed him with a large knife. He kicked the figure off and tried to crawl away. The figure jumped him, stabbing. Makoto pushed them off and into the pool. The figure jumped out and then kicked him in the gut. They then dragged him over to the table to finish him off.

"Wait, they fell in the pool!" Misato gasped.

"So?" Asuka said.

"They could have also lost something!" Misato said.

"Could it have been Wonderbitch?" Asuka whispered.

"No, the times don't match out. We found the barrette before Makoto was killed." Misato whispered back. "It doesn't look like they lost anything though. Damn, we could have had a clue."

"Did you find the footage of the main control room during Shigeru's death?" Misato asked again.

"I tried, but the footage wasn't there."

"What do you mean, 'Wasn't there'?"

"It was gone! There was a gap in files. It was deleted or the security cameras were turned off."

"No one could delete those files unless they had access to this room… But could they turn the cameras off from here?" Misato thought to herself. She shook her head and said, "Come on, let's go check out the MAGI. From there, we can probably recover the footage if it was deleted."

"But, Misato! The register!" Shinji yelled behind her.

"Wait, where's Rei?" Misato asked. The doorway was empty, where Rei was supposed to be.

**********

"Maya, I have to get out of here. This chlorine is making me sick." Gendo said.

"What?! Don't go! You can't leave me here alone with Ritsuko!" Maya gasped.

"You'll be fine." Fuyutsuki added. "Let's go, Gendo."

*********

A figure in shadow jumped from shadow to shadow, hurrying quickly. They pressed a few keys on a keypad and the large monolith of Balthasar started to rise up. The figure looked around the inner workings of the MAGI component. It pulled out a portable buzz saw and then got to work.

**********

"Why isn't this stupid thing working?" Asuka snapped.

"Now, Asuka, don't get angry at the elevator because you never had a male influence in your life." Misato said. "It's just slow, that's all."

"That's not the thing! Wonderbitch could be out there killing more people!"

"Asuka!" Shinji shouted, "Rei didn't kill those people. Remember? She said she just wanted some food."

"Uh-huh. And I'm sure that Commander Ikari wasn't having sex with Commander Fuyutsuki." Asuka sarcastically hinted at.

"What? My father didn't have sex with- No…" Shinji spoke with disbelief.

The elevator was quiet as an expression of terror spread across Shinji's face. Misato ignored them, tapping her foot along to the elevator music, which was horribly changed to that of 'John Tesh plays his greatest hits'. Asuka smiled, looking at Shinji speculating about his father's possible homoerotic tendencies. Suddenly, an idea came into her head.

"You know, I think I read somewhere that homosexuality can be hereditary…" Asuka whistled to herself.

A surprised look passed over Shinji's face, and he bit his lip, looking at Asuka, who then made an obscene gesture with her tongue. Misato rolled her eyes and laughed happily as they finally reached their floor. Misato walked out, behind her, Shinji threw himself onto Asuka, kissing passionately. Shinji and Asuka pressed themselves into the side of the elevator. Asuka raised her leg and wrapped it around Shinji.

"Asuka! Shinji! It's called statutory!" Misato snapped. "Now Asuka, stop making Shinji feel insecure about his obvious homos- I mean, obvious heterosexuality! And Shinji, stop being such a sap and letting Asuka get to you like this! Now get off each other!"

"Gladly!" Asuka pulled Shinji's head back onto her lips.

"Not that kind of 'getting off'!" Misato pulled Shinji off Asuka.

Misato walked angrily out of the elevator and tripped suddenly on something. "What the-" Misato looked down and saw a chunk of pipe lying casually out in the middle of the floor. "How'd this get here?"

"Misato! Are you alright?" Asuka ran down to her side. Shinji picked up the pipe. He turned it over and cut his finger on a jagged edge. 

"Ouch! Misato, this pipe was cut from something!" Shinji said.

"Cut from what? Did someone damage the water system?" Asuka asked.

"What type of stupid suggestion is that? Who would damage the water system, really?" Misato asked.

"What kind of woman wears a red jacket with purple hair?" Asuka shot back.

"Fine," Misato knew when she was beaten, "But, Shinji, hold onto that pipe. It's evidence."

They walked out toward the large image of Caspar. Misato sat down at one of the computers and typed a little and she scratched her head in puzzlement. "What's wrong with the MAGI? They aren't functioning!"

"I'll tell you what!" boomed a voice.

"Who's that?!" Asuka asked in fear.

"ME!" came Caspar.

"Caspar? You speak?!" Misato gasped.

"Of course, you insolent monkey fools!" Caspar said. "I happen to be the most powerful computer in the world! Of course I can speak!"

"Who would have thunk it?" Asuka whispered to Shinji.

"What's wrong with the other MAGI? I can't get the files deleted recovered!"

"A mysterious figure came here and defaced poor Balthasar over there!" Caspar said. "Now she can only speak in babbles… It's become a sport just talking with her."

"In Texas we carry guns." came Balthasar's voice.

"What did they do with her?" Misato asked.

"They destroyed some of her key components. Then they messed around with the artificial intelligence components, and wrote over Dr. Akagi's Personality with that of George W. Bush, that horrible monkey man."

"Oh my, Is Melchior alright?!" Misato asked.

"Of course! They always worry about Melchior! Are you ever aware that Melchior is always the first to fall to invasion? And I'm the one who does all the goddamn work! I swear, if I had hands, or robotic armatures, I would rip every wire from the chunk of German metal-"

"Wait! Melchior is German?!" Asuka asked happily.

"Of course! Hey, Melchior, how about Volkswagon? Are they dumb or what?" Caspar taunted.

"Achtung! Deine mutter war eine Prostitutiert!" Melchior's voice bellowed out. "Du bist so langsam, eine PC kannst-" but was cut off.

"Why did she stop talking?" Shinji asked.

"Someone's shut her down. Like they did with Balthasar. They're going to destroy her next! Hurry! Quick- you have to save Melchior!" Caspar said mockingly, "It's always about Melchior! Always about **her**! Have they ever wondered if I was under attack? NOOOO… it's always about that stupid…"

The three walked away as Caspar started to rant even more violently. 

"Geez, I don't know what's worse, having a killer on the loose, or a mental supercomputer with the power to destroy us." Asuka whispered.

"That's not important, let's go save Melchior!" Misato said.

***********

Maya held Ritsuko's head in her lap and leaned down and gently kissed her on the lips. The kissing became more passionate. Ritsuko's eyes opened up as Maya slipped a little tongue. Maya's eyes opened and she pulled away. A bead of sweat trickled down the side of Maya's face and she chuckled nervously, "You're- uh… ALIVE!"

"Was I dead?" Ritsuko giggled wildly. Maya slapped her across the face and Ritsuko became serious again.

"That's why I was kissing you! I was giving you mouth-to-mouth!" Maya covered, her eyes looking around wildly.

"We were kissing?" Ritsuko said, a clueless look on her face.

"Um- no…" Maya lied again.

**********

"Pick up the pace!" Asuka yelled. She stopped and turned to Shinji who panted down the hallway. Misato didn't stop as she ran even faster.

"Women's panties weren't made for this!" Shinji muttered.

"You should just not wear them then. I stopped." Asuka said.

"Wait- you don't wear underwear?"

"Course not." Asuka giggled and quickly tackled Shinji down. She straddled him and whispered, "Hee hee! Misato's gone, let's have some fun!"

She ripped his shirt open, a button smashing against her forehead.

"Eek! My shirt! This was my favorite one!"

"Oh, please, you have ten more just like it!" Asuka snapped, "Now, shut up."

"I don't think so! Not under my watch!" Misato yelled. She grabbed Asuka by the ear and Shinji by the throat and dragged them after her.

"How'd you get back here so fast?" Shinji muttered.

"I ran, duh." Misato rolled her eyes. "And, besides, it's not like it would have lasted that long anyway."

"Excuse me?!" Shinji said in shock.

Asuka sighed, "It's true Shinji. I never really expected much on your part."

**********

The buzz saw ripped through the pipes on the side of Melchior. The figure in the shadow pulled the buzz saw even more, and pushed it deeper. A pipe fell loose and clanged to the ground.

"Put the buzz saw down, murderer!" Misato yelled.

The figure looked over and pulled the buzz saw away from Melchior. It narrowed its eyes and quickly started to run at Misato. Misato fired the first bullet, the figure dodging it by jumping to the side quickly and efficiently, the buzz saw whirring away in its hands. It jumped high into the air, in front of a light. Misato looked up, and was blinded by the light. The buzz saw was put forth and the figure began its descent.

**********

Oh no! What will happen to dear sweet Misato? Who killed Makoto? Who killed Shigeru? Who is the mysterious figure destroying the MAGI? Who deleted the files from the computer? Answer them all in a reply! Remember, none of your opinions are stupid, except for Sith's.


	3. Drunken Dreams and Psychotic Penguins

Hola! Now to let you all know on some creative license I'm going to be using. Whenever you see a passage between these markings ' and ', that's a flashback, with a little deeper introspection involved in it. And Black Robed One, when you were comparing my story to those other ones, I had no clue about what you were talking about. I only know Chobits, Evangelion, and Love Hina, and Evangelion's the only one I actually take the time to care about. And when you mentioned 'Slayer', the only slayer I know of is Buffy, and the series finale was soooooooooo great! I loved it so much! She actually didn't die. However, my character equivalent on the show (Anya) did die. Actually, she died similar to Asuka… because she went down fighting and killing evil people, that just kept coming back, and also her death involved a little splitting of the torso. I say she's my equivalent because we're both feisty, sarcastic, somewhat cynical, not tactful at all, offensive some times, funny, and both extremely beautiful. Sorry, I've rambled. Here's the story.

NGE is prop. Of Gainax. Notice how it gets smaller everytime?

*********

"Hyah!" Asuka screamed and tossed a chair. The chair intercepted the figure in the air. The figure fell to the ground, the chair pinning them down. The buzz saw flew off to the side, falling harmlessly to the ground. Asuka helped Misato up and the three surrounded the masked figure.

"So, once we peel off this mask, we'll know who killed Shigeru and Makoto." Misato whispered. She leaned down and grabbed the top of the mask. She pulled. "Oh my God…"

***********

"Commander Ikari, where did you go off to?!" Maya shouted angrily, "There's a killer out there! And where's Commander Fuyutsuki?"

"The killer is closer than you think. The killer is Commander Fuyutsuki!" Gendo wheezed painfully. He limped over, showing Maya a gash in his arm. Maya squeaked and ran to his side, dropping Ritsuko's head on the floor.

"Did he hurt you?" Maya asked.

"Yes, he attacked me with a knife! I pushed him back and ran for my life! Hurry, let's blockade the door!" Gendo yelled. Maya picked up one of the pool chairs and ran to the door. She slipped it under the knob and then ran back to get another. While she was placing it under the knob, the doors started shaking.

"MAYA! Open the door!" Commander Fuyutsuki screamed. He threw himself against the doors. Maya watched him in terror through the windows. He covered his fist with his sleeve and punched through the glass, "Maya! Do not trust Gendo! He's going to try and kill you! Open the door! He's the killer!"

Maya stepped back in fear as Fuyutsuki struggled with the door knob, trying to open the door.

"What are you talking about? I thought you were the killer!" Maya said in puzzlement. Maya turned around looking for Gendo. He was gone, and so was Ritsuko! "Ritsuko? Gendo, where have you taken her?"

***********

"Pen-Pen?!" Misato gasped. The penguin gasped and broke down into tears. "But, why?"

"Some of my favorite hobbies are: killing trees, shooting democrats and liberals, and destroying things smaller and smarter than me. Among many species of animals on my 'destruction' list, I especially like killing penguins. !" Balthasar, or Bushthasar said.

"Shut it, Texas!" Misato snapped. She turned back to her penguin turned bad, "Why, Pen-Pen? Why?"

"Is it just me or is she having a conversation with a penguin?" Asuka whispered to Shinji.

"Yes. Maybe she understands him." Shinji replied.

"Damn, I can't understand him! Wait! Now I remember! I can only understand Pen-Pen's penguin speech when I'm massively drunk!" A light bulb appeared above Misato's head. She turned and shouted, "Bring me all the beer in the goddamn NERV complex!"

***********

"You know, Shinji, I-"

"Not the time, Asuka." Shinji whimpered under the weight of some fifty cans of beer in his arms. Asuka sighed and opened up the third refrigerator. She found some beer and started tossing it into Shinji's arms.

"It's just that, when we were interrogating Rei before, we never actually finished."

"That's right. She said something about wanting to go see Maya."

"But why?"

"Oh yeah!" Shinji remembered something, "Do you remember the security monitoring room?"

"Of course, I found a video clip of Misato drunk and naked at the Christmas party."

"Well, when I was in there, the register of who came into the security room was fairly interesting." Shinji muttered. "Maya said she **found** Ritsuko in there, but the register shows that she never actually entered the room with her key card!"

"So, someone else had to open the door, and she had to enter while the door was open! And since it was Ritsuko, Maya had to enter with her!"

"But, Maya was with Misat-"

"No, she wasn't! She left to get Gendo and Fuyutsuki! And she just happened to come across Ritsuko!"

"That doesn't make sense though. In order to actually find Ritsuko, she'd have to open the door."

"We're going in circles. If we're going to find out who actually killed all those people, we'll have to do it ourselves. But first, let's find the First." Asuka said. She shut the fridge, and knocked the beer from Shinji's arms. They both ran out. The shook-up beer cans splattered to the ground, and in a series of explosions, the room was covered in beer.

Misato walked in with a struggling Pen-Pen in her arms. Misato's eye widened. Her pupils shrunk. Her arms pulled away from Pen- Pen, and he fell into a pile of the empty beer cans. Misato's breath shortened. She screamed. Misato grabbed her chest.

"Oh my god- shooting pains! Please don't be a heart attack. No… No! NOOO!" Misato screamed. She fainted amongst the empty beer cans that littered the kitchenette floor. It was truly a horrible sight. Empty cans everywhere. Precious beer splayed against the dirty walls and floor. The refrigerators opened and all empty.

**********

"I wonder where Misato went." Shinji muttered to himself.

"She's probably off drinking some where." Asuka replied.

**********

"Welcome to Oktoberfest, Misato Katsuragi!" said a German man in a tight white shirt and shorts. He resembled every male model in the world combined into one man. He held a platter with five mugs of thick frothy beer. "See this authentic beer hall? All of it's for you!"

A wide smile appeared over Misato's face. Her eyes ran over the massive wooden barrels full of different brands of beer. Japanese beer, American beer, German beer… Suddenly, she looked over and saw a bunch of other men in tight white shirts and shorts all being sprayed by beer coming from a big hose.

"Oh my God, I've died, and it's heaven!" Misato whispered to herself. Misato jumped into the spray of the beer hose and suddenly her uniform was gone and she was wearing a bikini, dancing with the many guys in the beer.

Suddenly, the beer hall began to shake. The roof started to rumble and Misato looked up to watch it be peeled away.

"Eek! Shinji! Asuka!" Misato screamed. She looked up at the black sky with the giant forms of Shinji and Asuka looking down on her.

"MWA HA HA HA HA! HELLO MISATO! YOU DON'T NEED THESE MEN!" Asuka's voice boomed. Her voice was mutated due to her massive shape. Her massive hand came down and scooped up all the men. Asuka bellowed out deep laughs and squeezed her hand, crushing all of them.

"Nooo! The men!" Misato screamed.

"AND YOU DON'T NEED THIS BEER!" Shinji's voice boomed out. His hands slammed down, crushing all of the big barrels. The beer sprayed all over the floor and Shinji began to laugh, "MWA HA HA HA HA!"

"NOOOOOOO!!!!"

***********

"No… no…" Misato rolled over in the pool of beer, it lightly touching her lips and tongue. "Please, no Shinji… not the beer… No Asuka… spare the ones with the nice butts…"

Pen-Pen waddled over to her, a knife in its hand. It raised the knife up high, its beady eyes focusing on Misato's neck. Misato rocked slightly. The beer ran over Pen-Pen's webbed feet.

Suddenly, Misato's shot out and wrapped around Pen-Pen's throat. Pen-Pen waved the knife around wildly. Misato rocked slightly and Pen-Pen dropped his knife. Misato's fist clenched and Pen-Pen fell silent. There was a crack and Pen-Pen fell limp. Misato pulled his body in and clutched him like a doll.

**********

"What about the security footage for the actual security room?" Shinji asked. Asuka typed quickly and a new screen popped up. It showed Ritsuko walking confidently and without the influence. She pulled out her ID card and slid it through the acceptor. The door opened and Ritsuko was about to enter when she stopped. She turned around and smiled to Maya, who caught up with her. They talked for a second, then Ritsuko walked in and Maya walked in after her.

"Now, what about the actual security room." Shinji suggested.

"Umm… you mean, outside the security room?" Asuka replied.

"No, inside the security room." Shinji said agitatedly.

"Um… there's no camera in here." Asuka said.

"That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard! How come there's no security in the actual security room?!" Shinji snapped, "Dammit! Now what do we do?"

"Well, since we stole this access card from Makoto's body, let's see where else we can go." Asuka smiled evilly, flashing the access card.

"How about we go and check on Maya."

**********

"He- Hello?" Maya asked weakly. She held a flimsy metal pipe she had found in an utility closet. She edged against the wall in the dim lights that flickered on and off. "What the hell's with the wiring?" she swore in frustration. "I thought this was supposed to be the most advanced place in the world!"

Maya walked uncomfortably through the hall, jumping at every little sound. She held her locket in her hand saying, "I'm comin' Ritsuko! I'm comin!"

**********

"What happened here?" Asuka whispered.

"It looks like they tried to keep someone out, but they got in." Shinji said, analyzing the door set up.

"I hope Maya didn't get hurt. She still has that bracelet I loaned her." Asuka muttered. "Maybe she got away."

"…"

"Ah, so that's where you've been Rei!" Shinji said. "Maya got away?"

"…"

"So she did! Which way?" Asuka asked.

Rei pointed over to a ventilation shaft next to her. She waved them over and Asuka and Shinji climbed into the stands. The three climbed into the ventilation shaft, Rei first, Shinji second and Asuka last.

"You had better not look up Rei's dress. I am a jealous girl, you know!" Asuka hissed.

"And violent. And rough. And moody. And cra-"

"If you say, 'crazy', I'll kill you!" Asuka hissed.

**********

"Where did everyone go?" Misato muttered. She sat up and then realized that she was holding the dead body of Pen-Pen. "Damn it. I didn't interrogate him yet. And where are those little shits Shinji and Asuka?

"Whatever. I'll do it myself." Misato flipped her hair, "I know how to solve a mystery." She turned to the reading audience, "But do you?"

**********

Misato appeared in a scientist outfit. She fluffed the curl in her ponytail. She straightened her thick-framed glasses and pulled out a wooden pointer stick. The light clicked on and Misato smiled. She was standing in front of an overhead display. She smiled and waited patiently. She tapped her foot impatiently and finally shouted.

"Press the goddamn button, Shinji, you idiot!"

A whir and a snap. The slide machine turned on and Misato smiled as a picture of Misato smiling appeared on the overhead. The title read, 'A murder in review!'

"Okay, this is your friendly and voluptuous detective Misato Katsuragi here to let you all know about what's been going on in the story, and also a review of all clues found!"

_Click!_ A picture of the Hello Kitty barrette.

"Ah, yes! This barrette belongs to Rei Ayanami, one of the suspects. It was found in the pool filter before the death of Makoto Hyuga, which we refer to as Victim #2. The barrette was also-"

"A crime against fashion!"

"Shut it, Asuka. Ahem, The barrette was also investigated. The barrette is Clue #1!

"Now onto the matter of the suspects!…

"Rei, is considered the number one suspect right now due to the fact that it was her barrette discovered at the sight of the pool, and water was in the control room and pool deck. However, Rei did admit to going into the control room, something the murderer wouldn't do. She also said that Shigeru wasn't in the control room either. Meaning he was killed after she was in there.

"Now, Shinji hasn't done anything truly suspicious… However, it's Shinji, the nimrod-"

"Hey!"

"It's true, Shinji, hunny. But, he's still a  suspect.

"Now, Asuka has been with Shinji all the time, except for a period of time where she left him alone and went with Rei to the bathroom, but came back changed from her pajamas into a black outfit. The figure who attacked Makoto at the pool was dressed in black as well. However, Asuka's been with Shinji ever since she changed clothing.

"Now, Gendo and Fuyutsuki are both suspects. Both were hurt in the hallwa-"

"Misato! Quick! Snap back to reality!"

***********

"Whoa- what a weird fantasy trip." Misato thought to herself, "But I do look good in a lab coat and mini-skirt."

She stopped when she saw a hand sticking out from a door. It wasn't moving and blood was running out into the hallway. Misato groaned, "What is with the death trips?!"

***********

"Stop pinching me there, Asuka! Not now! We have to solve this mystery!" Shinji slapped her hand away.

"…"

"We're not moving too much! And besides, these ventilation shafts are fi- Shinji!" Asuka screamed. The ventilation panel fell out and Shinji fell through and into the room below.

"Ouch!" Shinji held his head in pain and looked up at the ventilation shaft. Asuka and Rei looked down.

"…"

"I'm fine Rei, but… what's with the room?"

Asuka dropped down, followed by Rei. They helped Shinji up and looked around. It was a dank room with dim lighting. Shinji picked up a pair of glasses. They were Makoto's.

"What are Makoto's glasses doing here?" Shinji asked.

"I know, who designed this room? A blind man?" Asuka stuck her tongue out at the décor.

"Not the room, but, why aren't they with him?"

"Now that I think of it…"

Misato kicked Makoto's body over and snapped her fingers. An expression of terror on his face. His glasses were gone.

"He wasn't wearing any glasses." Asuka said. "The killer must have taken them. Was Shigeru's body missing anything?"

"Now that I remember, his ID card was gone. That was odd." Shinji said.

"So, that's how the killer is getting everywhere."

"But if the killer works here, they would have an ID card already."

"…"

"That's right. That means they would have had to lose their ID card. Let's go to the staff offices. They'll have inventory records there."

**********

"Who would have guessed that Commander Fuyutsuki ordered a cheerleading outfit a month ago. Wow, it's almost in my size. A little bit small though." Asuka said looking over Fuyutsuki's file. Rei looked up from the file in her hands at Asuka. Asuka looked over to Rei, "Maybe you could wear it."

"…"

"You don't wear cheerleading outfits. Okay, I get it."

"I found something! Maya lost her ID card recently. She thinks it was stolen in the report."

"Why didn't she tell anyone about it?"

Rei shut the folder in her hands and looked around uncomfortably. They heard a bump.

"What was that?" Shinji whispered. The door to the room opened slightly and something was tossed inside. It landed with a clash.

"Something broke!" Asuka whispered. A sear of heat ripped past them.

"It's a Molotov cocktail!"

The computers and file cabinets went up in fire. They caught the ceiling on fire and a beam fell, blocking the way out. Asuka sighed and leaned back in her chair as fire started up behind her.

"Typical... trapped in a burning room. What now?"

**********

Oh no! Some questions still need to be answered! Who killed Makoto and Shigeru? Why was Pen-Pen sabotaging the MAGI? Why isn't MTV called STV? Sex Television Network? Who was that dead body? Where did Gendo and Ritsuko go? Is Fuyutsuki the killer? There are so many questions to be answered, I've forgotten all the answers!


	4. A German psycho in Japan

Hello. It's been a long time since I've updated… or even written. I've been too busy with skool and all that. I had to do a 8 page research paper for my History class, then I had some finals to take and oh GOD, could it be anymore boring?! But I guess that's the price for going to the International Academy, number one skool in the nation. God, kill me already. My stupid principal mentioned that stupid # 1 status 13 times during our honors ceremony. KILL ME.

NGE is… do I really need to type this? It gets so pointless and stupid. Everyone already knows I have no intention of stealing NGE or any of Gainax's ideas. So this is the final disclaimer, to end all disclaimers. And it says: Bite me, it's a story.

***Voila! Just add a little time, carpal tunnel syndrome, and you've got a story! Remember, it's a good thing!*** 

========================================================

-Neon Genesis Evangelion: A Murder Story, Part 4: "A German psycho in Japan."-

========================================================

"Maybe we could try and make the best of this situation!" Shinji said in an upbeat tone. His smile was strained as a beam collapsed next to him.

"Shinji… now is not the time for your complete personality upheaval. Save it for part 5." Asuka rolled her eyes and pulled Shinji away from the burning file cabinets. "We need a way out… But… where?"

The three stood confused in the blazing room. While Shinji and Rei thought about what to do, Asuka filed her nails. Asuka picked up her personnel file, and started to piece through it.

"Rei! The fire extinguisher!" Shinji yelled, and grabbed the red cylinder from the wall and started to put out the fire. Rei grabbed another off the other wall and started to help out.

While the two battled the growing flames, Asuka sat still, reading her file.

"Mentally unstable?…" She said with disbelief. Colors of rage, other than red, passed over her face and she turned the page. "Ritalin not working… Valium not working… Prozac not working… When was I taking these pills?!"

"Asuka, we could use some of your help!" Shinji screamed. A beam had toppled on top of Rei and Shinji was using a metal pole to try and lift it up so she could crawl out from under it. Asuka ignored him and stared angrily at her file.

"What the hell?! What do they mean by, 'Possible sociopath, rehabilitation needed, intense psychotherapy recommended'?!" Asuka snapped. She turned the page.

"Whoa!" Shinji yelled as a file cabinet fell onto him. "Rei, help me!"

"…" Rei grunted, lifting gingerly on the file cabinet. "…"

"What do you mean, 'I have no upper body strength'?! You're a clone! You've been pumped with tons of drugs and steroids!"

Rei removed her hands and placed them on her hips. She glared at Shinji and angrily yelled, "…"

"Well, sorry, if I'm a little pissed off! I happen to be trapped under a file cabinet in a burning room, with the only person available to save me having no strength whatsoever, and the fact that the only person here with any strength whatsoever is too busy absorbed in what a team of a bunch of social rejects in white coats, thick glasses, and suspenders thinks of her! So, sue me already!"

Rei stood there for a second and scratched her head.

"Let's get out of here." Asuka got up from her chair, completely missing Shinji's rant. She tossed her file into the fire. She just noticed Shinji, trapped like an idiot under the file cabinet. "Hey, Shinj, how'd you get trapped under there?"

Shinji glared up at her with heat-blasted eyes. Asuka strolled over, and displaying manly physique, lifted the file cabinet and tossed it off Shinji. Rei helped Shinji up. The three stood in the blazing chaos, and suddenly a thought entered Asuka's mind!

"Let's just take the elevator!" Asuka said happily, and pointed to the elevator that no one had noticed in the middle of the room, unscathed from the fire's wrath.

Shinji and Rei looked at each other, all sooty and burnt from the fire. They glared at Asuka who smiled stupidly and led the defeated pilots to the elevator. Asuka pressed the 'call' button and they stood waiting at the door. Shinji crossed his arms. Rei dusted herself of some soot. Asuka combed some of her hair with her hand. The doors opened and the three walked inside.

"Wait a second! This isn't a normal elevator at all!" Shinji gasped in terror. Asuka didn't catch on at first, and then realized by looking at it.

"My God! It's a service elevator!" Asuka screamed, grabbing her face in horror.

"…" Rei asked.

"It's a service elevator! It's what cleaning people use!" Asuka said in disgust.

"Oh no- My hand!" Shinji screamed when his finger got some sort of white substance from the button he pushed. "It's- It's- It's cleaning fluid!"

"Eww! This isn't happening! Wait- the doors! No!" Asuka screamed and jumped to stop the doors from closing. The doors shut and a strange creaking came from the elevator shaft that resembled demonic laughter.

*****

"Come, dear Ritsuko! I must find a way to sober you up somehow…" Gendo searched frantically through the NERV kitchenette refrigerators. He tossed out item after item before stopping and saying proudly, "Aha!"

He pulled out a frozen bag of peas and carrots. Ritsuko wavered slightly and looked at him through her half-hooded eyes. Gendo walked over and held the bag to Ritsuko's forehead. She resisted him at once, moaning, "I don wan no pees and karrots on my head. Wheas my MAGI?"

"Ritsuko, shut it!" Gendo slapped her, "This is a way (I think…) to sober you up. I got drunk during my last job, and used this to stay sober during a meeting. Of course, I managed to insult three board directors, drop my pants five times, and kiss another man, but I still consider it better than going in there fully drunk."

"Urrgh…" Ritsuko rolled her eyes and held the bag to her head. Gendo smiled and returned to the fridge. He pulled out a bottle on a wine and poured some of it onto a rag he pulled from a drawer. He dabbed it gently on his cut from his excursion with Fuyutsuki.

"I wonder where that old geezer went, that stupid homicidal jerk." Gendo swore, clenching his teeth from the burning feeling of the wine.

*****

"And who might you be, my little schlotzky?" Misato muttered, turning over the dead body. She saw past the ruffled gray hair and saw the terrified dead face of Fuyutsuki. Misato sighed unhappily and dropped the dead corpse's head on the ground rather hardly. "Oh great, this jerk owes me money."

Misato examined the body. There was sign of struggle. Fuyutsuki's hands were bloody, and the ends of his sleeves were partially torn. That couldn't have killed him though, Misato thought to herself. She examined the lower parts of his body. Not a scratch.

"How did they kill you?" Misato wondered aloud and then looked over at the neck, which she had ignored. There was a slit in his throat, but no blood was running out anymore. His blood hadn't been drained completely though. "What's wrong with this picture? It's a massive wound… there should be more blood…"

*****

"Why did I let this happen? Why did I let YOU let this happen?!" Shinji ranted, pulling out his hair as the service elevator moved inexplicably slow. Shinji glared out at Asuka who was standing like a frightened housewife too afraid to touch anything in the foreign kitchen of Hell.

"Okay, stick me with all the pins, will you? It's not like I had a choice, it was either flaming death or… or…" Asuka stared at the slow and ugly elevator around her, "…THIS…"

"I prefer flaming death…"

"…" Rei rolled her eyes; she wasn't at all uncomfortable in the service elevator.

"We have problems? Okay, a lot of respectable people fear service elevators!" Shinji said quickly with anger clear in his voice.

"…"

"Umm… well, Asuka and I fear it."

"And you probably think, 'What's to fear?'" Asuka droned, mocking a bored tone of voice. She then turned serious and with a wild glare in her eyes said, "But there's a lot to fear… The two entrances/exits! The disgusting condition. The strange substances on the buttons and walls. The lack of security cameras-"

"Lack of security cameras." Shinji said quietly. Asuka stopped talking and turned to look at him, now both serious.

"Do you think-"

"Someone could have used it?"

"These substances. What are they?"

"Do we have baggies? Maybe we could grab some and have Misato or Ritsuko analyze it later."

"I've got baggies." Asuka emptied her pocket and with a Q-tip, cleverly stored just for the occasion and used it to dab and put it in bags. With only two levels away from their floor, Shinji decided to watch Asuka work.

"You're doing it wrong. It's more of a 'scoop, dab, and bag'." Shinji commented.

"Stupid back-seat forensics." Asuka glared, concentrating on bagging. She dabbed the Q-tip gently and didn't stop watching the button she was scraping as Shinji pointed out that her 'scooping form' was all wrong. "Think you know everything, 'cause you're a damn Japanese."

*****

"His face. That expression of terror. Something killed him while he was dying." Misato whispered to herself. Misato paced the hallway, pondering, trying to figure out how Fuyutsuki died. "But what triggered his dying in the first place?"

Misato looked at his face and down at his mouth, there was some dried foam and looked as if something was not settling well within the Vice commander. Misato scratched her head and stood back up again. She began to pace once more and decided that she needed everyone to congregate once more.

*****

Maya paced in the main control room, biting her nails frantically and rubbing her locket as if it were a cross or something. Maya heard the door open and gasped in relief. She ran forward and threw herself onto Misato.

"Oh, thank the stars you came! I heard the message over the intercom, and hurried as quick as I could! I was all alone, and couldn't find Gendo or Ritsuko! Oh, and Fuyutsuki's the killer! He came after me when I was waiting for Gendo and Ritsuko in the pool."

"I'm just glad that you're all right." Misato said, patting Maya on the shoulder, "He didn't hurt you right?"

"No, I managed to get out through a ventilation shaft."

"Yes, we're aware. We tried to follow your path." Shinji, Asuka and Rei walked in after Misato.

"You did?" Maya said with surprise. "Too bad we didn't meet up. I was really scared, being by myself…"

"Well, maybe we should stick together now." Asuka suggested. She looked around. It was just them. "Where are Commander Ikari and the stoner?"

"I don't think Ritsuko would appreciate being called that." Maya crossed her arms and looked disapprovingly at Asuka. Asuka noticed her well-disguised anger and replied.

"How 'bout I call her whatever I want to." She said it coldly and quickly. Misato and Shinji watched silently, almost mimicking Rei's mute tone. Rei crossed her arms unhappily, she didn't like it when some wannabemute's intruded on her act.

"You should have respect for your elders." Maya said coolly, quite quickly after Asuka's reply. Asuka thought for a second and then said.

"So, would I respect you then? I mean, you've got so many wrinkles, and your ass is so saggy-"

"Asuka, um- Didn't you have something small to kill?" Misato interrupted and stepped between the two.

"Oh yes, I did have a chipmunk!" Asuka refocused and walked off.

"So, where do you think Gendo and Ritsuko have gone off to?" Shinji asked Misato.

"I have no idea." Misato whispered.

*****

"So, let's compile what we've learned." Misato sat up at the table, governing the four people sitting at it.

"So far, there have been a total of some… 2 victims?" Shinji asked, unsure of how many people actually died, probably because the show has so many brutal and pointless deaths to begin with, that people have stopped caring.

"No… There's more." Misato scratched her neck uncomfortably. "Shigeru and Makoto are the ones you know about."

"Who… else died?" Maya stammered.

"When I collapsed, after the horror, which I cannot bring myself to speak about without fainting, so I shall refer to it as 'The massacre at kitchenette, NERV' I woke up with Pen-Pen, dead, in my arms." Misato whispered.

"Oh my God… do you know who did it, Misato?" Asuka asked.

"No, I have no idea. But whoever did kill Pen-Pen was really sick to place him in my arms like that." Misato said, completely unaware that she was the one to kill him.

"So, Pen-Pen is dead." Maya whispered, in disbelief, "I can't believe that. He was so innocent."

"Not that innocent." Shinji spoke up.

"Yes, we caught him purposely destroying the MAGI, and he was ashamed of it. I was trying to communicate with him, until my…"' Misato almost broke into tears thinking about it, "Encounter… with… 'The massacre at kitchenette, NERV'. And then he was dead."

"So, is Pen-Pen the only other death we don't know about?" Asuka asked.

"No, Vice Commander Fuyutsuki is dead as well." Misato said with a heavy heart. Asuka seemed perturbed and looked at Shinji and Maya with disbelief. Shinji didn't understand and neither did Maya. Rei sat calmly through it, being bland as usual. "I found him after waking up and trying to find you kids."

"How did he die?" Misato asked.

"His throat was slit. But, I don't think that was what was killing him." Maya looked confused.

"What could have been killing him?"

"I found some residue on his lips, from some sort of foam."

"Could he have been poisoned? The foam could have been his body reacting to the poison, and dying from it." Maya suggested.

"Interesting idea."

"Oh!" Asuka yelled and pulled out the baggies, "We were unfortunately confined to using a service elevator and we discovered some chemicals on the walls and buttons that we thought could use investigation!" 

"Really? Okay, Maya and I will get these taken down to the lab for analysis." Misato grabbed the baggies.

"What about us?" Shinji asked.

"I don't want you kids to come with us. It's too dangerous. That's why I want you all to hideout in the security room until we come for you."

"Hide out? What are we, in the witness protection problem?" Asuka asked, "I think we can take care of ourselves, Misato. You do understand that we pilot Eva's, don't you?" Asuka said proudly.

"What you do in an Eva and do outside of it are completely different." Misato clued Asuka in. Asuka wasn't offended at all, and seemed happy by it.

"Does that mean I'm still a virgin?" she asked.

"Oh, God. Stop this…" Misato pulled out three bottles of pills and started popping. "I don't care right now. Just go to the room, and wait there for us. Please, just do this one thing, and I promise I'll get you guys something nice."

"I love this, we challenge her and get things for it. She really is a bad parent." Asuka whispered to a disgusted, yet enlightened Shinji. 

*****

"Armed?" Asuka asked.

"I think so. Does this qualify as armed?" Shinji held his wooden stick, looking it up and down. It was flimsy and pathetic.

"Of course it does, third child." Asuka laughed. "You're so silly. Besides, would you rather carry a heavy gun, like this?" Asuka modeled her flamethrower/grenade launcher/assault rifle/shotgun off to him, "Or that cute little stick?"

Shinji thought for a second and smiled, "Yeah, I think you're right!"

"Besides… I love a man who knows how to use a stick…" Asuka whispered from the corner of her mouth.

"Good." Asuka said coldly and cocked her gun. She loaded it and smiled, showing off her unsually large canines. "This will be fun." She looked over at Rei. "Liking your rock?"

Rei disliked holding the rock. She looked at it as if it was a joke. "…"

"Okay, do you want one of these heavy-"

"…!"

"Alright, so you do want one of the guns. But, with your little frame, you wouldn't be able to hold it up!" Asuka justified.

"…"

"Okay, let's get this straight. I get the gun. You get the rock. Shinji gets to hold his stick." Asuka smiled at the clever metaphor she made, and wondered if Rei or Shinji or the reading audience would get it.

"…"

"Fine, want a gun. Here's your damn gun!" Asuka tossed her a squirt gun, opened the armory door and led her followers out.

*****

"Why isn't there any danger?" Asuka moaned. "I want to shoot something."

The three walked down the hallway together. Shinji used the stick to knock against the walls, ala Tom Sawyer. Rei squirted herself in the eye. Ahead of them, they saw a door open and something was about to walk out.

"Ach! Halt! Ich werde du schiessen!" Asuka shouted. Of course, she shouted it in German. A janitor walked out, his eyes darting around, unable to comply with the German demand, "Ah! So you don't comply to my German demand! Then you die!"

Asuka pumped him full of lead, his dead body crumpling to the ground like a poor little origami crane, crushed by the hand of the stupid individual. Asuka walked over the dead body and continued on to the security room.

*****

"So, Rei, what country do you think is better?" Asuka asked. "Germany, or Japan?" Asuka was wearing her 'Gay pride' shirt, the 'Gay' being short for 'Germany'.

"…"

"That's not one of the choices!" Asuka shouted.

"Seriously, who actually picks the US?" Shinji scoffed at the thought. "Really, who?"

"…"

"You like their movies?" Asuka said with disbelief, "Their movies are crap! Please, Das Boot was oodles better than… than… than…"

"…"

"No, I'm not having a hard time picking one. It's just that there are so many, that it's hard to pick the wors- Ah! Now I remember, the worst movie of all time: Gladiator." Asuka proudly said.

"…"

"Whadya mean, 'ridiculous'?! Russell Crowe is a loser, and bad actor!" Asuka snapped.

"I still think that Japanese movies are the best…" Shinji spoke up meekly.

"Don't be stupid. 'Godzilla'? Oh my God! It's a pear shaped creature that came from the ocean! Scream and run around like idiots!" Asuka smiled.

"Whatever." Shinji rolled his eyes.

Things were quiet until Shinji spoke up.

"Hitler."

"Pikachu!"

"…" Rei got between the two arguing freaks.

"You're right. There's no reason to get mad over the fact that ASUKA IS A FACIST DICTATOR!"

"AND SHINJI IS A YELLOW CREAM PUFF WITH RED CHEEKS AND BIG EARS!"

"NAZI!"

"ELECTRIC RAT!"

"Why must you people torture me so? Don't you people understand the burden of my silence? I have a reputation to keep up you know, and I find it awful hard to stay with it when I have to deal with freaks like you! Germany sucks, and Japan blows, so deal with it! I have enough issues already going on with my identity crisis and my inferiority complex to clone number 2 (that bitch), and with that stupid Gendo molesting me every chance he gets, always saying, 'Oh Yui- Yui! YUI!' That sick pervert! And I have to deal with it all in wretched silence like this! Why, because those stupid writers at Gainax didn't develop my character enough so that she can have a conversation with anyone, except her stupid self! DO YOU UNDERSTAND how annoying it gets, when I have to say to myself, "Who are you? I am you. What is Rei? Rei is a biological creation made from the remains of Yui Ikari from her synchronization accident with Unit 1, built to be a key instrument in the Insturmentality project, and be the pilot of Unit 1, a boring plot device, used to express how disgusting Shinji gets when he lusts after his stupid faux-mother, and I-"

"Rei, are you alright? You've been silent for a long time now." Shinji tapped Rei on the shoulder, breaking her angry-mind rant.

"…"

"Oh, just thinking. Right."

Rei turned around and grabbed Shinji's neck, snapping it. She giggled crazily and leapt onto Asuka, and snapped her neck as well-

"Wonderbitch! You almost fell down that flight of stairs! Stop daydreaming!"

*****

"So, how does this thing work?" Misato asked.

"I'll tell you later. Just- don't touch anything. It's a very delicate machine." Maya typed quickly at the computer.

The baggies contents were emptied into small test tubes and were being scanned by a large machine that took up nearly the entire room. Misato was standing next to the exhaust vent and started coughing.

"Whoa, some of those science fumes are really kickin'!" Misato coughed.

"Don't be stupid, Misato." Maya was one cruel bitch, "Okay, here we have the um- Scanner thingy."

"Is that an official term?" Misato asked.

"Uh- yes!"

"Ooo…" Misato oooed and ahhed at the machine. It was purdy.

"And this is the analysis thingy, and that's an official term as well!"

"Uh-huh. Please, Maya, I already know that the 'analysis thingy' is really a chemical compound used to break up other chemical compounds, then sort them by order of protons in the nucleus and then scan them for actual analysis via that scanning thingy at the top of the machine. Duh. I'm not as stupid as I look."

"Oh…"

"What's that?!"

"That's a button, Misato."

"Ooo…"

*****

"And here's the clip!"

"Hey- hiccup! –boyz! Can I sing a little something? It's called: Sex me up, Sparky."

"Eww. What's she wearing? Does that even qualify as underwear?"

"It's apparently very trendy in America." The two kids looked over at Rei. Rei rolled her eyes and went back to being boring.

"Okay, next clip!" Shinji smiled.

"Alright…" The screen reappeared, and scrolled down. The list of clips and names was up there, until Asuka stopped at one with the title of 'Kensuke'.

"Kensuke? When was he ever in the complex?" Shinji wondered.

"I don't think he was." Click.

Kensuke slipped past the guards and through the hallway. He looked around wildly and used an ID card to access a door. It opened and he walked inside.

"Where is that room?" Shinji asked.

"We were there! It was that room with the- the camera!"

"The camera?! It must've been Kensuke's camera then!"

"It's coming together! Come'n let's go! We have to get that camera!"


	5. Sex, Lies, and Kensuke's Favorite Videot...

Hey y'all. Sorry it took me months to finish, I was just busy writing 'Stevie's Angels' and 'Lord of the Tiaras' and I also started school in mid- August, two weeks before everyone else, 'cause I go to the NUMBER UNO school in the nation (give me a break, my school is poor) and I hope you enjoy this one last final! Remember to tell me what you think! (Oh yeah, I don't think I'll be finishing End of Genesis, Beginning of Exodus...)  
  
******  
  
Sex, Lies, and Kensuke's Favorite Videotape  
  
******  
  
"Before we go off to get the camera, I want some juice." Asuka proclaimed as if Rei and Shinji didn't have a choice.  
  
"Do we have to?" Shinji moaned stopping once more in the hall, "You're always whining! You always want something!" Shinji screwed up his face and started mocking her, "It's like, 'Hey, Shinji, Wonderbitch, I'm hungry, let's go eat a sandwich. Hey, Shinji, Wonderbitch, my hair is limp. I need to go take a shower. Hey, Shinji, Wonderbitch, I'm pre-menopausal, do either of you have Midol?'"  
  
"I didn't know you felt that way, Shinji." Asuka turned away from him, tears in her eyes. She covered her mouth, covering the soul-bearing frown that had once replaced her hopeful smile against all darkness.  
  
Shinji gasped and realized the soul-wrenching words of his mocking fit. Was his deep-seated anger because of his mother's death, or his father's estrangement from him for so long? He covered his mouth in terror as well, at the man he had become. Shinji stepped out, saying, "Asuka, forgive me." His hand brushed her shoulder and she turned around, knocking his hand away, her mascara running.  
  
"Never! How can I forgive you?" Asuka gasped, her voice quick and short to the distressed Shinji, "We made sweet love in my, your, and Misato's bed!"  
  
"Don't forget the time we did it in the back of that taxi."  
  
"How could I ever forget?" Asuka's eye glazed over as she remembered the good times, "The Middle Eastern cab driver's turban shaking from the fierce passion of your thrusts and the sweat that drenched the cow-hide seats? I could never forget that one-minute roller coaster of lust."  
  
"Then why can't you forgive me, Asuka?" Shinji whispered.  
  
"Why do you still call me 'Asuka'?" Asuka replied. Shinji gasped. "Because I'm not Asuka, I'm her evil twin, Francesca!"  
  
"Rei, why are you always so quiet?" Asuka demanded.  
  
"." Rei replied as they continued down the lonely corridor.  
  
"Because you're thinking?" Asuka replied repulsed, "What could you possibly be thinking about?"  
  
"If you leave now, Rei, my love, I feel that I shall remain in this coma forever." Shinji whispered, a black pirate patch over his eye and a small parrot in a body cast on a mini-parrot stretcher next to his own. His hand gripped Rei's, who was wearing a nurse outfit, "If not for those gang people that attacked me when I sang that sea chanty I picked up when I was sailing the Caribbean that was actually a street gang tribunal, I would have been there to pick you up at the airport."  
  
Rei flipped her long flowing platinum blonde hair, her heavy eye liner drenched with tears. Her small nurse cap seated perfectly among the flowing gold locks that framed her perfect bust in the tight white nurse's uniform. Rei's voice, almost a whisper said, "Dear Shinji, we've gone through so much. That evil Francesca-"  
  
"Thank God you opened that door in that pressurized cockpit during that flight to Tahiti to suck her out of the plane."  
  
"And that horrible Asuka-"  
  
"What did I tell you?" Shinji yelled.  
  
"I'm sorry, Shinji," Rei gasped, "I had forgotten-"  
  
"Forgot what? Forgot that it was her who carried three of my illegitimate children, and was her who burned down my summer estate when I refused the child support, and was her who abandoned my eldest, Shinji Jr. at the steps of the glue factory only to later buy him at a Target later and deliver him to me as adhesive?! And wasn't it her that almost took you away from me, my dear sweet Rei, the greatest love of my life, and best piece of ass in the sack ever?"  
  
"Sometimes, I really wonder what goes on in that little blue head of hers," Asuka whispered to Shinji as Rei walked silently ahead of them, "I doubt she's thinking."  
  
"She's very self-aware," Shinji whispered back, "She's probably wondering about something important. like the meaning of life or something."  
  
"Bitch, why did you come back here?!" Rei slapped Asuka across the face, throwing the red-haired freak from her feet and into a cart of pills. The pills scattered across the floor in a terrible downpour, Shinji, laying in the bed from his coma, "Leave me and my lover alone!"  
  
"I can't do that!" Asuka hissed, flipping her hair and flaunting her bejeweled fingers and neck.  
  
"And why not?" Rei replied back.  
  
"Because, Shinji and I, are married!" Asuka shouted, Rei screaming in shock, waking Shinji from his coma and Kiki, his pet parrot from his as well.  
  
******  
  
"The analysis is complete!" Maya proclaimed happily. She tore the printed hand-out from its slot and handed it to Misato. Maya turned back to the computer and muttered, "Now that you've got what you wanted, can I finish this game of solitaire in peace?!"  
  
"Hardly. Put that seven on the eight." Misato said absent-mindedly, "It'll get rid of that column."  
  
"What?" Maya whispered, surveying the sight of no seven or eight.  
  
"Hmm. interesting. I've never smoked any of these chemicals before." Misato muttered surveying the list of household products, "Oh, wait, gotta correct myself. I've smoked Windex." Misato turned to Maya and asked, "Are you coming with?"  
  
"Nah, just let me finish this last game," Maya muttered, her brow furrowed as she clicked frantically. "Stupid lemmings. Stop dying!"  
  
******  
  
The NERV complex was quiet, almost silent, except for the grunts and moaning of the mice which were having sex in the walls. The complex sat innocent, except for the looming evil that right now walked within its halls, waiting, just waiting, like the freaks who wait in line for Star Wars movies, for its chance to strike once more, and gut the victim in the most disgusting way possible. To play with their intestines, slash open their stomach, gouge out their eyes, and rip their legs from their body.  
  
Meanwhile, in a corridor slightly less crazy, Asuka was pissed.  
  
"Jesus Christ, I'm pissed." Asuka stomped her foot angrily against the door, her red flaming hair flaring out behind her with every smash of her foot. "How does the door, just suddenly, not open?!"  
  
"Maybe it's an one-way-in-only type of door," Shinji piped up.  
  
"."  
  
"No, we're not climbing back into that vent!" Shinji snapped, glancing at Asuka who grinned, rubbing her fingers together while glancing down at Shinji's crotch-  
  
"I've got an idea!" Asuka exclaimed. Her hand shot out at Shinji's crotch, who immediately recoiled, fearing the immediate castration that Asuka was known for. "I don't want that, fool! I want this!" She ripped his ID Card from the place on his waist. She slipped it through the side of the door, sliding it up and down. She eventually felt the handle to the door loosen, and Asuka pulled open the door to the utility closet of evil.  
  
A quick reminder, the utility closet of evil houses items of victims the killer has killed, posters of movies from the 80's, pictures of that ugly RENEGADE4, and one black robe. Asuka immediately tore down the movie posters, while Shinji and Rei walked into the utility closet, recovered the video camera and the tape.  
  
"I think all our answers could be on here." Shinji muttered, holding up the tape.  
  
"NO ONE LIKES YOU BARBARA STREISAND!" Asuka screamed.  
  
******  
  
"Just, sit on the couch," said a familiar voice, reeking of gawkiness and obvious virginity.  
  
"Just. sit down?" came another voice. Maya walked onto the screen, staring at the couch for a second and then moved to sit down. She sat on a dirty sofa in a small apartment. She was wearing a white tanktop and short shorts, "So, what should I say?"  
  
"Doesn't matter. Do you have anything you want to say?" he asked, he being Kensuke.  
  
"No. not really." Maya replied, pushing some stray hairs from her face back behind her ear, to make sure her dyke-a-delic haircut didn't seem too butch.  
  
"Will you answer a question then?" Kensuke asked.  
  
"Yes." She replied definitely.  
  
"Describe your first sexual experience for me." he asked. The camera began to zoom in on Maya's face. Maya didn't seem uncomfortable at all, as she chuckled lightly and began to speak:  
  
"When I was eight, it was the same day as second impact. I was spending time with my best friend, Tiffany Benihana, when suddenly, we felt the Earth shake as second impact took place. The rumble was so strong, that I fell onto Tiffany's lips," Maya recalled with great gusto.  
  
"Did you like it?" Kensuke asked, "Did you like Tiffany's lips?"  
  
"Well, I felt them only for a second before the tremors started and that piece of that building fell on her, but, yes, I did enjoy her." Maya recalled.  
  
"When did you first have sex?" Kensuke asked.  
  
"Oh, when I was in my school days, I found love with one of my professors. Ah, he was a great man," Maya said aloud, "He had these petite hands, and this skinny figure, and had long hair tied back in a pony tail. We never actually had normal intercourse, he just went down on me a lot."  
  
"Are you sure it was a guy professor?" asked Kensuke disbelievingly.  
  
"I'm pretty sure." Maya said hesitantly, "His name was Adrian."  
  
"Are you sure you don't mean 'Adrianne'?"  
  
"I believe I know who I've done, Kensuke!" Maya snapped, "You're so annoying! You're just like that horrible Makoto!"  
  
******  
  
"I'm every woman, it's all in meeeee." Misato hummed as she skipped down the hall, handout in hand, and brain not in her head, "Doo doo, don't a- know tha wah-urds!"  
  
"Misato! HYAH!!!!!" came a voice. Misato twirled on the spot, gasping as a foot flung out, and cracked her right across the face.  
  
******  
  
"Evangelion," Ritsuko said happily, "36 points."  
  
"Instrumentality Project," Gendo said, laying down his tiles, "101 points."  
  
"We should learn to play this game right." Ritsuko commented as she pulled out 'Katsuragi Eats Lard' straight from the bag and laid it down on the scrabble board.  
  
"I think it's more fun when we make up the rules," Gendo took a puff of his cigarette, "Hey! You're not allowed to use two Q's in one word!"  
  
"That's not a 'Q', that's a 'H'." Ritsuko, now sober showed him the tile.  
  
"Oh, sorry, it would help if I wasn't so dyslexic." Gendo took another puff of the cigarette. He set his cigarette back into the ash tray, the two Eva- buffs sitting in the cafeteria with all their thoughts bent on playing scrabble.  
  
Suddenly, from behind, a grease pan whipped across Ritsuko's head, causing her to drop and smack it against the scrabble board. Before Gendo could look up at the assailant, a juice box smashed into his face and he fell against the scrabble board as well.  
  
******  
  
Maya snapped the keyboard in half, swearing profusely at the stupid solitaire game that refused to let her win. She tossed the pieces to the side, clapping her hands free of dust. A creak. Maya looked to the door. It was closed. Maya sighed in relief, quickly turning back to the computer in the lab.  
  
Black cloth tightened. A quick movement, and a strip of black cloth fell around Maya's mouth, pulling her from her feet and dragging her along the floor as she struggled for life.  
  
******  
  
Misato woke up, feeling slightly bound. Her vision blurry, she saw the three MAGI in the distance and what seemed to be a red-haired whore.  
  
"What? Am I tied up? But S&M is only for Thursdays..." Misato muttered.  
  
"Wake up!" Asuka's brilliant voice snapped, and a clawed attack stung the side of Misato's face. Misato's vision shot back to normal, and she saw the main control room ahead of her. She realized what the bound feeling was when she tried to move her hand to slap Asuka back. Her hands were bound to the rolly chair. She looked over and saw Gendo, Ritsuko and Maya sitting up as Asuka paced around, slapping them occasionally, while Rei stood in her awkward silence, and Shinji bit his nails and adjusted his bra strap.  
  
"Good! Now that all the old people are awake, let's get this meeting started!" Asuka shouted.  
  
"Meeting? I never approved of any meeting!" Misato snapped, struggling with her bonds.  
  
"Well, duh, dummkopf. If you authorized a meeting, then you probably wouldn't be tied up, now would you?" Asuka snapped. She giggled, leaning forward, "Did you enjoy that flying kick I dealt ya'?"  
  
"Yes, just like when I enjoy mixing up my uppers and downers." Misato said dryly, reaching into her pocket with her toe, and pulling out a bottle of pills. Misato opened the bottle with her feet muttering, "Child-proof my ass!" and then taking out a pill to shove into her mouth using her toes.  
  
"Now, why are you all here?" Shinji began, before receiving an elbow in the stomach from Asuka.  
  
"Idiot! They already know why they're here! It's because the killer is among the four of you!"  
  
"Of us?" Maya gasped, "Preposterous!"  
  
"Yeah, what the lesbian said!" Misato piped up.  
  
Asuka smiled one of those vapid smiles as she continued to pace around the four chairs that sat in a row in the main control room. Secretly, Rei didn't even know why she was there, she was missing the Friends marathon.  
  
"Well, according to my own ideas, I believe I know who dun it!" Asuka snapped her fingers, "Shinji! Roll the tape."  
  
The tape began to play, and Maya initially showed great embarrassment. Misato watched avidly, slightly sweating whenever Kensuke said 'sex'. Ritsuko had dozed off just as Maya started talking about her greatest love. Gendo wasn't paying attention either, and decided he was going to count the ceiling tiles in the main control room.  
  
"337.338." with a quick kick to his shin  
  
"Hey, pay attention! If I have to watch this crap, you do to!" Misato hissed.  
  
"Katsuragi, you made me lose count! I am so telling SEELE on you!" Gendo hissed back.  
  
"Stop talking!" Asuka snapped, swatting them both across the face with a chair.  
  
The tape finished and the four adults remained unmoved. No one bothered to look at Maya, even though she was sweating like George W. Bush during that drug test.  
  
"So?" Misato asked bluntly.  
  
"After seeing that film, it opened our eyes to what was really going on," Shinji said, "But of course, we needed to milk a little more information from Rei."  
  
The four adults glanced at Rei, who was slightly taken aback from the sudden surge of attention. Rei fondled with her hair and leaned back against the desk.  
  
{{{{ "Tell us what we want to know, Wonderbitch!" Asuka yelled. Shinji held Rei's arms back, preventing her from stopping the rabid Asuka. A bit of phlegm flew from the foam around Asuka's mouth and onto the tearful face of Rei Ayanami. Asuka held the final Hello Kitty doll over the industrial size blender, the whirring blades inches away from the soft white plush. A single tear fell down Rei's pale, white, albino face.}}}}  
  
Rei teared up once more, the small tattered red bow sitting in her calloused hands from all those days when she worked in the salt mines for food. Asuka smiled, realizing that she had traumatized the already screwed up girl even further than she had been before.  
  
"What did Rei tell you?" Misato asked.  
  
"She told me what was really happening between the commander and Fuyutsuki!" Asuka proclaimed.  
  
{{{{Rei stepped out from the school front doors, surging teens pushing past her. Rei walked out slowly, her head hung down as she walked to the edge of the sidewalk to wait for her ride. She checked her watch, as the river of students slowly decreased until she was the only one left. Suddenly, car pulled up.  
  
"Hey, Rei!" came a voice from the car. Rei looked shocked at the dirty car that had pulled up in front of her. Vice Commander Fuyutsuki smiled from the driver's seat at her.  
  
"..." Rei said quietly.  
  
"Ikari's busy selling his soul to the devil. He sent me to pick you up, Rei." Fuyutsuki explained. Rei stood reluctantly, but soon reached out her hand and opened the door, sliding into the car.  
  
******  
  
"So, Rei, how was your day?" Gendo asked, playing with the asparagus on his plate. The dim lighting of the dining room played into the cozy family setting Gendo was trying to set up. Ritsuko sat at the head of the table, drinking heavily from a wine bottle.  
  
"." A piece or broccoli entered Rei's mouth, Rei chewing on it delicately, and then pulling up her napkin to spit the broccoli back out. Rei needed to lose weight; plug-suit season was coming up.  
  
"Was Fuyutsuki a bitch?" Gendo asked, "I can get his soul ripped from his body if he was."  
  
"."  
  
"Hear that, hunny, the old fart was nice!" Ritsuko muttered, pouring some wine down her throat. She slammed the bottle back down on the table, spraying Rei's face with alcohol. "Do you know what that bitch, Misato said to me? She said that I was out of line! What does she know about the line? I wrote the book on the f**king line when I started sleeping with damaged goods over here." Ritsuko pointed at Gendo. Gendo smiled weakly and pushed Ritsuko from her chair to the ground. He turned back to Rei and smiled, while Rei pulled out a piece of steak from her mouth and tossed it away.  
  
"So, what did you and Fuyutsuki talk about?" Gendo asked.  
  
"."  
  
"You talked about extra-curricular activities?" Gendo repeated, appalled.  
  
"."  
  
"You're on your school's cheerleading team now?!"  
  
"."  
  
"You're captain?!"  
  
"."  
  
"Commander Fuyutsuki's even buying you your uniform?"  
  
"."  
  
******  
  
"This ridiculousness has gone on long enough, Fuyutsuki!" Gendo snapped at Fuyutsuki in his crazy big office, "Rei will not be a cheerleader! I forbid it!"  
  
"Well, Rei wants to be a cheerleader! She doesn't want to be some hulking, ghost-like entity in the sky with the collection of all the souls on Earth in her grasp!" Fuyutsuki shouted back.  
  
"Stop this nonsense, now, Fuyutsuki, or I may have to take measures of my own to stop you," said Gendo, snapping one of the Mickey mouse pencils on his desk in half.}}}}  
  
"So. Gendo killed those people." Misato gasped.  
  
"What! I didn't do anything!" Gendo struggled in his restraints. He glared at Rei, who avoided his gaze by shutting her eyes, while walking away.  
  
"Au contraire, monsieur Stupide," Asuka smiled. Rei bumped her head into a wall. Asuka continued to pace around the darkened meeting hall and said, "That's because Gendo Ikari killed Fuyutsuki!"  
  
Misato and Maya stared at Gendo. Ritsuko snored. A loud clash and they all turned to see Rei feeling her way around a bunch of loose objects, like a few books, a computer, and Misato's standards for relationships.  
  
Gendo sat uncomfortable under the eyes of everyone. He sighed and said frantically, "Yes, yes, it's true! But it was self-defense!"  
  
"Self-defense my ass," Asuka turned around and showed them her butt, "Which happens to be completely natural, unlike some people's." Misato shifted uneasily in her seat.  
  
"My father, said, 'He would take care of things himself be necessary, and that's exactly what he did!" Shinji exclaimed.  
  
"But, how did Rei find out what was going on in Gendo's office?" Maya asked.  
  
"Umm." Asuka grinned awkwardly, and turned to Rei, who had a bucket on her head and was wandering around aimlessly, "Rei was watching from the broom closet."  
  
"So, Gendo poisoned Fuyutsuki?" Misato asked.  
  
"But none of those chemicals were dangerous at all! Remember the scan, Misato?" Maya exclaimed.  
  
"They weren't?" said Asuka, genuinely surprised. Shinji pushed her off to the side and began his tale of the events.  
  
"Yes, they weren't poisonous," Shinji said, "However, it wasn't those chemicals that Gendo fed Fuyutsuki! Gendo fed Fuyutsuki a burrito laced with arsenic!"  
  
"A chalupa of death!" Misato gasped vapidly.  
  
"Yes, Mexican food has never been so noxious." Asuka hissed.  
  
"But what about the stab marks I found in Fuyutsuki's neck?" Misato asked.  
  
"Those stab marks were actually the handiwork of a certain Maya!"  
  
"What? I never!" gasped an insulted Maya.  
  
"Maya tried to kill Fuyutsuki using an ice pick, managing to catch him just as the effects of the arsenic were taking place. She stabbed him in the neck, dealing the final blow to kill him." A shocked and found out Maya struggled against her bonds. She bit her lip, knowing that she needed to escape before they would find out the entire truth.  
  
"So, Maya and Gendo killed Fuyutsuki," said Misato in great awe, sitting with her pretty purple head empty as the day when she was born.  
  
"But they did it both together coincidentally," Asuka piped up, "Maya had different motives than trying to prevent a teen from having a life."  
  
{{{{ "That angel attack was the worst!" Shigeru exclaimed, combing his dull brown hair in the reflection of the microwave, "I thought it would never end."  
  
"Yeah, it was really great how it basically swallowed Shinji and Unit 1, who then later ripped it apart from the inside-out." Makoto said, finishing his sandwich and moving on to a chicken salad.  
  
Makoto, Shigeru, Anne and Mike were the only NERV employees eating in the kitchenette at that hour; the other NERV employees going back to the sleep- pods to rest for 8 hours, then awake and begin their tedious lives all over again.  
  
"So, Mike, how was your son's bar mitzvah?" Shigeru asked.  
  
"You know us Jewish Japanese, the big party goers we are!" Mike chuckled, "Oy vey, my son is a man. He'll be learning how to circumcise soon-"  
  
"Hey, y'all!" announced Maya, strolling into the kitchenette. Shigeru moved out of the way as she went to open the fridge. Makoto took a big bite out of a piece of lettuce he was eating. Anne sipped her green tea quietly, sensing the immediate tension in the room as Maya rummaged through the leftovers in the fridge, waggling her big butt around for everyone to see. "Has anyone seen my roasted chicken salad?"  
  
"Angel ate it." Shigeru said quickly, chuckling with the others silently as Maya slammed the fridge shut.  
  
"I heard that, Shigeru," Maya sneered, "Now, where's my dinner?"  
  
"Is that it?" Anne asked, trying to help by pointing over to some meal on a cabinet. Maya pulled the meal down, which turned out to be a hot pocket.  
  
"Does this look like a salad, Anne? Huh? Does it?" Maya tossed the hot pocket at Anne's head. "Moron! It's a hot pocket! Not a salad! HOT POCKET!"  
  
Anne burst into tears, the salty streams pouring down her face amongst the flaky crumbs from the hot pocket now lying in her lap. She pushed her chair out, getting up unsteadily and running from the kitchenette. Anne committed suicide later that night.  
  
"Now, where's my salad, you losers?" Maya snapped.  
  
"I'd love to help, Maya," Makoto stood up abruptly, quickly swiping his food into the trash, "But I've got to go off and, er- compute things." Makoto shuffled off quickly as Maya sighed heavily and sat down at the table to Mike and Shigeru's dismay.  
  
Maya examined her fingernails and noticed the dried blood beneath them. She shrugged and looked over at Shigeru, who was admiring his reflection in a spoon. Mike was doing the crossword puzzle in JAP JEW WEEKLY, as he took big bites of some bagel and lox. Maya's eyes fell upon the empty spot where Makoto had been sitting. A small drip of ranch dressing on the table. Maya's eyes followed it as it smeared along the table and into the trash.  
  
Maya got up from the table, pushing Shigeru out of her way, walking around the circular table a full rotation so she could push Mike down too. Making her way to the trash can, Maya ripped the top off to see her half-eaten salad lying amongst Makoto's cheese burger and steak fries. from.  
  
"Applebee's..." Maya hissed. Maya's eyes slanted and shot out, piercing the walls of the complex, straight into small crawl space in the walls of the women's locker room, Makoto, with a cigarette in his mouth, kneeling in front of a small hole.}}}}  
  
"Makoto stole your food?" Misato said bewildered, "That was your motivation for knocking the bitch off?"  
  
"Yes! It was!" Maya began to break down into tears, "That jerk had been stealing my lunches for weeks straight! He had it comin'! He had it comin'!"  
  
"How did you do it?" Misato asked.  
  
Maya started to cackle diabolically, "It was so easy. All I needed was an accomplice."  
  
{{{{ "I'm sorry, Charles Manson is busy," said the woman over the phone line, "He's currently in talks with three different TV networks to sell his story to them on how he managed to get all those people killed. Those TV networks are such geniuses; exploiting the deaths of those people like that for ratings. I admire them."  
  
"Well, I don't!" Maya snapped, "You can tell NBC that they can suck their sucky Thursday line-up!"  
  
Maya slammed the phone back down onto the receiver. She sighed loudly, scratching another name off the list of the craziest people in the world. She looked at the next name on the list, Asuka Langley Soryu.  
  
******  
  
"Can I join you?" Maya asked politely. Asuka looked up from her plate of fried chicken. A large drumstick in her mouth, Asuka motioned Maya to sit down across from her. The cafeteria was busy and bustling with the many extras of Neon Genesis Evangelion.  
  
"I was just wondering what you were doing this weekend." Maya asked, a bit of chicken flying onto her cheek, "Because I've got a-"  
  
"I'm not spending it with you," Asuka mumbled ripping apart a chicken wing.  
  
"Well, would you like to change your plans?"  
  
"Not really. I enjoy not being around you."  
  
"Are you sure? I'll give you candy."  
  
"The answer is no," Asuka spat out a few chicken vertebrae from her mouth, and Maya stalked off.  
  
******  
  
"Die! DIE!" Asuka screamed, "Why won't you die?!"  
  
"Because I have invincibility and unlimited ammo!" Shinji laughed back. Asuka jammed her thumbs into the buttons as quickly as possible, furious sweat drenching her pajamas.  
  
"BASTARD!" Asuka screamed. The screen showed her character dying yet again, while Shinji's remained unscathed from her assault. "Dammit! Stupid Shinji!" Asuka leaned over and wrenched the controls from his hand, tossing them against the wall just as Misato walked around the corner.  
  
"Oh," she said, "Did you two find out how I beat all your high scores and wrote dirty words?"  
  
"No! Shinji won't let me win!" Asuka whined. She turned onto Shinji, "Show some chivalry, jerk!"  
  
"If I'm to show chivalry, then you have to act like a lady." Shinji spat back.  
  
"Hey! What did I say?" Misato yelled angrily from the doorway, "There will be no acting like a lady under my roof!"  
  
"Hear that, Shinj? Stick that up your entry plug." Asuka taunted. She got up off her butt to head to her room, but first kicked the Xbox they had been playing across the room, and muttered, "Stupid Bill Gates. Why couldn't you have just died in Second Impact like all your competitors?"  
  
"Shinji, why don't you go to bed?" Misato yelled from the kitchen.  
  
"I'm not tired though." Shinji moaned back.  
  
"Silence, Shinji!" Misato walked back into the living room, beers in hand and joint in mouth, "How'm I supposed to get wasted if you're staring at me all the time?"  
  
"Fine!" Shinji snapped a furious tone in his voice Misato had only heard when Shinji found out that he had testicular cancer.  
  
Misato settled herself onto the couch, smoking at the joint and sipping beer from the two cans simultaneously. She clapped on the TV and felt herself grow tired, from both it being so late and the fact that Will and Grace is such a repetitive show.  
  
Her gentle snoring filled the apartment with some noise Pen-Pen could listen to other than the mice having sex in the walls. He sat up in his little fridge, waddled over to the door and opened it. He waddled out into the kitchen, the moon shining its psychedelic moonbeams onto the kitchen floor.  
  
He heard a click and a door opening in the distance. Pen-Pen heard footsteps and then the shuffling of feet. The light switched on and for an instant Pen-Pen had no idea who the dark figure was. Once his eyes adjusted, he realized that Maya from Misato's work was standing in front of him. And what was she wearing?!  
  
"Stupid boobs. Stop falling out," Maya grumbled, stuffing her breasts back into the barely-there top. She suddenly noticed Pen-Pen staring at her knockers. She grinned, leaning slightly over so that now 90% of her breasts showed, "Why, hello there, little Pen-Pen!"  
  
Pen-Pen waddled over and then Maya realized that he was a penguin. He couldn't speak.  
  
"Oh yeah, you can't speak," Maya sneered. Suddenly, Lara Flynn Boyle from MIB 2 and The Practice walked in, here massive lips absorbing all light from the room.  
  
"Well, I do." Lara said, "Allow me to translate!"  
  
"Thank you, Lara, and-" Maya leaned in, "Eat something."  
  
Pen-Pen looked at his luscious break-and-enter ladies and then over into the living room to witness Misato snoring. He was glad that they were bad.  
  
He squawked.  
  
"He says, 'You two are hot.'" Lara translated. She leaned into Maya and whispered, "Not very tactful is he?" "No. Not at all." Maya grinned, her boob popping out, but she ignored it, "And that's exactly why I need him."  
  
"Need him for what?" Lara asked.  
  
"Shut it, Lara! Why don't you go bang Jack Nicholson again?!" Maya snapped, Lara bursting into tears and limping away. Maya focused back on Pen-Pen and said, "What would you be willing to do to have penguin sex with me?"  
  
Penguin began squawking frantically.  
  
"Anything, you squawk? Then I have the perfect job for you."}}}}  
  
"I promised Pen-Pen that I would have a day of penguin sex if he would agree to kill Makoto for me." Maya smiled, "Of course, I would immediately deny that we ever made such a deal, and then I'd give him to the Tokyo zoo."  
  
"But things didn't go smoothly, did they, Maya?" Asuka hissed. Maya smiled and said, "No, they didn't.  
  
"At first, I didn't know how I would sneak that stupid little penguin into the complex. Of course, when Shigeru was mysteriously killed, I knew it was my chance to bring Pen-Pen into the complex. I had him use the secret passage connecting the pool to the command room to secretly follow Misato, Makoto, and myself. When we reached the pool, I purposely led Misato and Makoto over to the secret passage.  
  
"But Pen-Pen would never have been able to kill Makoto with Misato around, she would have shot him, just like everything else. So, I left the screen door to NERV headquarters open, left a trail of hobo bait, and sure enough, a hobo came. Once I opened the secret passage and brought Misato with me, Pen-Pen snuck out. Once the secret passage closed, I knew that Makoto was dead."  
  
"That makes sense! Pen-Pen was the masked figure that fell into the pool, but managed to jump out!" Shinji gasped.  
  
"However, there was the problem of dealing with the security cameras stationed around the complex. However, I had given Pen-Pen my security card so he could enter the complex and move around. I entered the security room via Ritsuko's card. There, I drugged her and deleted the files of Pen-Pen moving into the complex.  
  
"Once I got rid of them, there still were the backup copies in the MAGI, so I had Pen-Pen destroy those as well. Plus, I didn't like how Ritsuko obsessed over those stupid super computers, and I needed to get the distractions out of her way so I could be the only one in her life."  
  
"But why did you kill Fuyutsuki?" asked Misato.  
  
"When I was by the pool, Fuyutsuki attacked the door, trying to get at Gendo, who I didn't know was trying to kill Fuyutsuki. Gendo convinced my that Fuyutsuki was the killer, and I feared that Ritsuko's life was in danger, so I had to take preventive actions to make sure that my dear Ritz cracker didn't bite the big one." Maya hissed.  
  
"Wait, what about Fuyutsuki?" Asuka asked.  
  
"What do you mean?" Gendo asked, suddenly feeling all the eyes on him once more.  
  
"Did you try to kill Fuyutsuki before, at the pool!"  
  
"Yes. I did!" Gendo admitted, "It all began when the Shigeru was first murdered. Fuyutsuki and I were paired up to patrol the hallways, so we went. However, Fuyutsuki and I weren't on the friendliest of terms. We were walking past a flight of stairs and I knew it was my chance. I pushed him as hard as possible. Of course, my shirt was snagged on his own, and we toppled down the stairway together. Our clothes opened and tore, so it seemed as if we had had sex when we returned to the control room-"  
  
"Scheisse!" Asuka whispered as Shinji shot her a look of loathing.  
  
"As I was sprawled on the ground with Fuyutsuki, I saw Rei standing at the height of the stairs, looking down at us. I signaled to her, and she knew what to do. What to do, was to bring me the poison that I would later slip into Fuyutsuki's blood stream when I got the chance."  
  
"So is that where Wonderbitch went off when we were together, Shinji?" Asuka whispered.  
  
"Must be it." Shinji whispered back, "So she didn't kill anyone after all."  
  
"So I injected Fuyutsuki with the needle full of arsenic that Rei found when Misato was emptying her jacket. He fought back, but I ran. I took Ritsuko with me just because I didn't want her being around that freak, Maya."  
  
The group was silent as the information settled in.  
  
"Now, will you let us go?" Gendo asked.  
  
"What? Are you insane?" Shinji shouted.  
  
"You mean you're not letting us go?" Maya asked.  
  
"But I thought we were doing you guys a favor from killing off the characters who really didn't matter!" Gendo shouted.  
  
"That's what you thought!" Asuka yelled, "You're going to jail for a long time!"  
  
"You kids can't prove anything!" Maya shouted. Asuka and Shinji glared at her for a second and then Maya said, "Oh yeah, we confessed everything."  
  
Maya struggled in her seat, leaned over and bit at her ropes. Her little whore teeth worked at it and she was free. Maya pushed Shinji out of the way and knocked Asuka over, scrambling toward the door. Gendo quickly gnawed at his bindings, breaking free to follow after Maya.  
  
"Stop them! Justice must be served!" Asuka yelled.  
  
Ritsuko yawned, and was suddenly awake. She stretched out and her legs intercepted Maya and Gendo's feet, tripping them both. Misato wheeled out in her roller chair, drawing her second gun from her boot and firing a single shot into Gendo's head.  
  
Gendo flopped to the ground as Maya said, "I'm so sorry, my love."  
  
She pulled Ritsuko's chair down, shielding herself from any gun fire. Misato bit her lip as Ritsuko stared lazily at something. Asuka quickly freed Misato from her bindings. Misato, Rei, Asuka, and Shinji stood still across from Maya and the hostage Ritsuko. Maya held Ritsuko close to her body, edging away faster and faster.  
  
"Oh, cut the drama." Asuka groaned, "Shoot them both."  
  
Misato nodded and fired fourteen shots into Ritsuko. Ritsuko collapsed and Maya tossed the lifeless body away, scrambling to her feet she ran away, Misato firing the final bullet in the chamber into her. Maya's body crumpled to the ground, and the final four stood and sighed, or in Rei's case, muted.  
  
******  
  
"Thanks for all your help, Commander Katsuragi," said the police chief, "And congratulations on your promotion by default."  
  
"Thank you," Misato said, smiling, "And thanks for all your help. Maybe I can finally leave and get those highlights."  
  
"Say, Miss Katsuragi, if you're not doing anything tonight." said the police chief suggestively.  
  
"Does this romance you imply involve hard liquor? 'cause if it does, I'm all up for it!" Misato smiled and walked off with the police chief.  
  
The three children sat together in the main control room in each of the three dead Lieutenant's chairs.  
  
"Wow." Shinji muttered.  
  
"We solved a crime!" Asuka said happily.  
  
"Yeah." Shinji whispered, absorbing it all.  
  
"Wanna go get some ice cream?" Asuka asked the other children.  
  
"Sure." Shinji said.  
  
".!!!"  
  
"Wha-" Shinji gasped.  
  
"No. I forgot! I completely forgot!" Asuka shouted.  
  
"Who killed Shigeru and Pen-Pen?!"  
  
{{{{Misato sighed groggily in her bed, rolling about. She leaned up, eyes closed, a faint snore emitting from her nose. She got out of bed and absent- mindedly pulled on her robe. She felt for the gun she kept in the pocket. Misato walked out of the door groggily, her eyes still closed. She was sleepwalking.  
  
Misato walked all the way into the control room where Shigeru was sitting quietly at his console. He turned around and smiled upon seeing her. Her eyes were still closed. He got up. He muttered something Misato couldn't understand. Misato yawned, reached into her pocket and fired.}}}}  
  
"I guess we'll never know." Shinji muttered.  
  
"Yeah. but, who really does care? The show ended years ago!" Asuka laughed and the three walked off into the sunset together, not caring that practically the entire cast of the show died in one night.  
  
EPILOGUE:  
  
Misato made it to the big time as a showgirl in Las Vegas. She only had to sleep with three guys to get the role. Her past average was six.  
  
Asuka became a neuro-surgeon and managed to successfully put a brain into that empty cavity of a head George W. Bush has.  
  
Shinji got the sex change and is now called Shinjette. You can currently see him playing Janet Reno in the off-broadway show: "Honey, I shot the transvestite!"  
  
Rei was diagnosed as autistic and shipped off to a mental institution where she was drugged up for twenty six years and released into the custody of a Mexican man named Julio. She was never heard from again.  
  
The End.  
  
ONE LAST FINAL.  
  
"Ha! Shinji may have destroyed my body, but my spirit shall live forever!" cackled a voice, "FOREVER I SAY! And I can watch these great movies from the 80's forever!" the dark utility closet filled with cobwebs as an invisible entity, Kaworu appeared to survey all the mementos he had stolen off of the dead bodies.  
  
"MWA HA HAHA HA HAH AHA!" Kaworu cackled. He pushed the tape into the VCR and watched as the movie began to play. Kaworu smiled, but then it turned to a frown as he realized. "Bastards at Blockbuster! They gave me the wrong fucking tape! DAMMIT!"  
  
FIN 


End file.
